I hope I never see depression again

19 Aug

As I surf other bipolar and depression blogs and read about other people’s experiences with these illnesses, I am often reminded of the year I spent clinically depressed after I received my formal diagnosis of Bipolar I. I was forced to resign from a job which I was a breakout success, and I felt as though I had lost my identity. I felt like a failure. My life was a mess and I was so incredibly sad. I am pretty sure that I cried at least once a day for the entire year of 2006. That sadness, combined with the crippling anxiety I felt, made me feel like things would never get better.

Luckily they did. Thanks to the devotion of my husband and family and friends, who all helped me to pick myself up, dry the tears, and regroup.

Once I was able to get my meds on the right track, it was just a matter of trying to change my thinking. I needed to think of what happened to me as a chance to have a fresh start. And that is what I did.

But that doesn’t mean that I have forgotten what it feels like to be depressed.

I remember what it felt like to want to lie in bed all day. I remember how it felt to mope around all the time. It took such a tremendous effort to just take a shower, do my hair and makeup and put on a decent outfit. And even when I did that, I usually didn’t feel all that different afterwards.

I don’t ever – EVER – want to feel that way again. I want to be there for my kids and my husband. Every single day.

A friend of mine who I used to work with recently lost her husband to suicide. It makes me so sad to think that someone took their own life. Mainly because I know that it could have been prevented. But also because I remember that I myself actually had suicidal thoughts back when I was taking Prozac. I was lucky enough to have a support system around me and when I mentioned to my husband and my parents that I didn’t feel like life was worth living anymore, they helped me to get the help I needed to work through it. I owe them my life. If it were not for their care, concern, and actions, my suicidal thoughts may have strengthened and I might have acted on them.

Depression on the outside seems like such a simple feeling to overcome, but when you are actually experiencing it yourself you realize that it is a lot more intricate and overwhelming than it may appear. It is my hope that anyone who reads this and then comes in contact with someone in their life who they suspect is suffering from depression, they will help that person to find the help they need to get well. There is hope.

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3 Responses to “I hope I never see depression again”

  1. LunaSunshine August 31, 2011 at 3:23 pm #

    Like I said in my previous comment, a whole year? I can’t imagine the depth and the extraordinary pain of it. Have you had a depressive episode since? I have them more than anything. I’m Bipolar II, so that explains the more depressive end of mine. It’s pretty severe at times. But I just can’t wrap my mind around the idea of having to go through an entire year.

    I’m sad to hear that you had to go through such life altering events. Really, the worst thing that happened to me due to a depressive episode is being released from a college due to poor attendence and failing to meet academic requirements. There are always more colleges. I can transfer my credits, it’ll drop the F’s, and I can move on. It was a terrible blow at the time, but nothing compared to losing a fantastic job.

    Sometimes, children are the most fantastic thing to happen to someone. T.D. gives me the strength to go on when I really don’t believe that I can. There are only few delusions in this world that would have me believe that T.D. would benefit from me no longer existing. And I know that above anything else, I want to be the best mother I can be to him. I will pull myself out of bed. I will care for him. I will smile for him. I will play with him. And I will go to work so that I can put food on the table and diapers on his butt.

  2. The Quiet Borderline August 20, 2011 at 2:48 am #

    You’re right, there is hope. At the time, whilst you are in depression, it seems like there is no way out and all is lost, but that’s not the case.

    I, also like you, went through a year with depression and 6 months of that spend in hospital. It’s only been a few weeks since I came out of the depression (and hospital) and am now gradually getting back to normal life.

    The Quiet Borderline
    http://quietbpd.wordpress.com/

    • LunaSunshine August 31, 2011 at 3:13 pm #

      I’m so sorry to hear about your long bout of depression. A whole year? I’ve never been stricken for an entire year. I would say that there were probably long time periods in my youth that could have been put together to span most of the year, but never an entire year, straight through. The longest depressive episode I’ve ever had since I’ve been diagnosed was about four months. And that seemed neverending. It’s unfathomable, and it breaks my heart to hear of such pain.

      I’m glad to hear you’re on the mend. And I’m glad to have seen your comment and found your blog.

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