Postpartum psychosis – how it happened to me (Part I)

21 Aug

I was online this afternoon and came across a story in our local online newspaper about a woman who had experienced postpartum psychosis after the birth of her second child. She stopped her car in the middle of DC afternoon rush hour traffic, took off all her clothes, and was running along the shoulder of the road towards a bridge over the Potomac River. She was convinced that she needed to be baptized in the water because the world was ending.

The details of her story are eerily familiar to me. I feel for her that she had to go through something as embarrassing as stripping down naked in public. Could you imagine?

But at the same time I am so incredibly proud of her for standing up and telling her story – publicly. She is a brave woman and I truly respect her. She is not afraid of speaking out about this rare disorder that affects only one to two women out of 1,000. It doesn’t sound like many at all, but when you do the math, that computes out to 4,100 to 8,200 women in a year based on the average number of annual births.

I think it’s about time that PPP gets a voice. There is so much information out there about postpartum depression, but if you ask anyone if they know anything about postpartum psychosis, I would venture to bet that they’d bring up Andrea Yates, the Texas mother who killed her five young children by drowning them in the bathtub in June of 2001. But only five percent of women with postpartum psychosis commit suicide and only four percent commit infanticide.

Those numbers could be so much lower, if the general public were aware of the signs and symptoms of postpartum psychosis so that they could intervene before a tragedy could occur. When a woman finds out she is pregnant and begins reading the various pregnancy books out there, there is always a chapter on postpartum depression. I wish those authors would cover the other side of the spectrum too. There are lives at stake.

It happened to me after the birth of our first child in September of 2008. He was a healthy 6 pounds, 12 ounces, delivered via emergency C-section. (He wasn’t tolerating the contractions since his heart rate was taking a nosedive with each one, and I wasn’t dialating past 5 inches, so the decision was made and at that point I was so exhausted I just couldn’t wait for him to be out.) I was absolutely determined to breastfeed him, yet had no clue what I was doing. I just felt all of this outside pressure to make breastfeeding work – all of my friends had breastfeed their children, the books and magazines you read all say that “breast is best” and of course all the literature at the doctor’s office was the same. Even the formula company’s marketing materials pushed breastfeeding. So of course I put a ton of pressure on myself to make it work. It made those first few days and weeks with baby boy so grueling, draining, and sad. Due to the C-section, and the added stress I was putting on myself to be successful at nursing, my milk took almost a full week to come in. I was breaking out in hives up and down my legs every night because I was so stressed out. Instead of enjoy my baby, I was feeling like I was failing as a mother because I couldn’t feed him. The pediatrician had us start supplementing with formula at his 2-day check-up because he had lost too much weight. I was barely sleeping at all. That is how the mania started to spiral me into psychosis.

The days and nights started to mush together as I started to live life in 2-hour increments. The baby would nurse for 45-minutes, then we’d do a diaper change, then he’d nap, but in the hour that he napped I felt as though I had a million things to do so I never napped myself. And it wasn’t as if I didn’t have help with me. My parents stayed for a week after the baby was born and my husband was off from work for two weeks. So I did have times when I could hand over the baby, but yet, things still had to get done.

It was about seven days after he was born that I remember breaking down in tears in front of my mom with the phone in my hand, outstretched to her, pleading, “Please call my OB and ask her what med I can take that will help me sleep! I can’t sleep!”  My mom called and they said I could use Tylenol PM while nursing, and so I did that afternoon and slept four hours straight, the longest stretch of sleep I had gotten since having the baby. The next day my mom changed her flight so that she could stay a few extra days to help out.

I remember feeling as though my mind was starting to race uncontrollably at times during those first four weeks after my son’s birth, but somehow I was able to hide it from my husband and my parents. I wanted to be able to breastfeed my son and I knew I couldn’t do that while taking medication. So I continued to fight the racing thoughts, but they quickly caught up with me in a big way.

We had our son baptized when he was four weeks and two days old. My parents flew back into town for the ceremony, and stayed with us for that weekend. I drove them and my brother and sister-in-law to the airport on Monday morning. On Tuesday morning I had become manic to the point of psychotic, and had to be hospitalized because I refused to take medication.

I spent a week in a psychiatric facility where the doctors stabilized me using a combination of anti-psychotics, sleep medications, and the mood-stabilizer Lithium. I could not believe that I had missed out on my son’s fifth week of life. Completely.

The insomnia was the first and most prominent symptom for me. The delusions and hallucinations are a close second. I refused to eat at times. Each and every sound I hear is amplified one hundred percent. These are the symptoms that I experienced every time I had been hospitalized. Which up until that point had been twice.

The common theme that I experience when I become manic to the point of psychotic is the feeling that the world is ending. Let me tell you – it has got to be the scariest feeling in the world when you are absolutely convinced that it is happening. The time I lost touch with reality after our son was born, I remember that I had been sleeping upstairs since my husband said he would take care of the baby so that I could get some rest. I woke up at some point in the middle of the night and went downstairs to find him asleep on the couch, the gas fireplace blazing, with our son snoozing peacefully on his chest. For a split-second I thought about grabbing my camera to take a picture, but I had no idea where it was or else it seemed like too much of an effort to find it, so I didn’t bother. I just woke my husband up and we went upstairs to bed, putting the baby down in the bassinet by our bedside.

A few hours later I couldn’t sleep because I kept thinking I heard the baby crying. But he wasn’t. My husband kept telling me to go back to sleep. But I couldn’t. When he woke up an hour or so later to get ready for work, he knew right away that I wasn’t right and he needed to call for help.

(To be continued…)



6 Responses to “Postpartum psychosis – how it happened to me (Part I)”

  1. LunaSunshine August 31, 2011 at 3:06 pm #

    First, OMG. Sept. 2008? I had my son in Oct. 2008! And there are so many things that I actually yelled out loud, “YES! I KNOW!”.

    “I think it’s about time that PPP gets a voice.”

    Absolutely! It is probably the worst represented mental health issue, other than schizophrenia. I think hospital staff should be better trained to recognize it. I think women should be allowed a longer stay in the hospital for observation. I think pregnant women should be at least briefed about it. Women who are at significant risk should probably be offered a psych evaluation at the six week mark. It would bring down the numbers so much and offer so much help to mothers who were just expecting “baby blues”. (What a crock!)

    “I was absolutely determined to breastfeed him”

    So was I. And what made it worse is that T.D. (as I refer to my son), would not breastfeed. I had a lactation specialist in the hospital give up on it. I thought I failed. T.D. lost weight and the doctors freaked out. I felt even worse. T.D. would drink from a bottle, so I went out and bought a breast pump. I couldn’t get enough milk, ever. And I started to think that this was part of many signs that I wasn’t supposed to be a mother. I had a tough pregnancy complete with placental problems and cervical dysplasia. And I couldn’t even feed him…

    I was stricken with what I thought was depression from the minute T.D. was born. I felt T.D.’s bottom half slide out and they announced, “He’s out!” I growled, “I know.” But I didn’t realize that I was paranoid. I was nervous when someone held him for what I felt was too long. I didn’t want to cry in the hospital because I was afraid they were going to think I was crazy and take him away. i sent him to the nursery at night because I knew I needed to rest. I’d sleep for an hour, and then sit up, awake, and alone. I saw my husband asleep on the pull out. It was the first time we had ever slept in seperate beds. One night, I actually crawled out of my bed and into his. I told him that I just needed to sleep next to him. I thought it would make me feel less alone. It didn’t.

    I refused to ask for help with T.D. I had him on a Thursday, and C.S. (my husband) was right back to work on Monday. I begged him to stay home. I cried hysterically because I told him that I didn’t think I could do it alone. But I still refused to ask my parents. I didn’t want anyone to know I couldn’t do it. I thought people would know that I was a failure of a mother. I thought people would think that I wasn’t fit to be a mother, so they would have T.D. taken away. It took me two months and a serious breakdown to finally cave.

    The delusions were the worst. And they were the worst I’ve ever had. But the most worrisome thing was the irritation and eventually, the fits of rage. Another story for another time.

    We’re a hardy lot, huh?

  2. Ruby Tuesday August 31, 2011 at 7:22 am #

    You are brave. You are so brave. For living through it and for sharing it. You are who I try to think of when I think of postpartum psychosis. Because were I to have a child, it could very easily be me.

    • bipolarandpregnant August 31, 2011 at 9:54 pm #

      Thanks Ruby. I don’t feel all that brave since I’m remaining anonymous on the blog, but I appreciate your praise nonetheless. I hope that in the future when I am able to finish my book, I’ll be brave enough to publish it and to promote it by getting out there and telling my story in person and not behind the mask of an avatar.

      • LunaSunshine August 31, 2011 at 10:15 pm #

        You are brave. I have never been brave enough to share my experience with it until I found you and your site. I felt horrible about it and felt like I really let my family down. You are brave enough to speak out. And that’s more than I can say.

        Maybe one day we’ll all be brave enough to put our real names to it and show our faces. Maybe one day, we’ll figure out a way to stand together and do it. You know, there’s strength in numbers. But I don’t feel like any of us are really ready to do it. And I certainly don’t think I could ever consider myself a role model for the bipolar community, LOL.

  3. The Quiet Borderline August 22, 2011 at 3:47 am #

    Thank you for sharing your story with us.


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