I remember when I lost my mind for a reason

25 Mar

I remember when, I remember

I remember when I lost my mind

There was something so pleasant about that place

Even your emotions have an echo in so much space

~ Gnarls Barkley: “Crazy” lyrics

Whenever this song comes on the radio, or “Unwell” by Rob Thomas for that matter, I think of my the time I spent in the hospital. Having to be committed against your will, to get well because you cannot help yourself, is a very humbling experience.

I remember some significant moments about the last hospitalization. Specifically, how when my husband had to call 911 to have them come and take me, I pleaded with the EMT’s and police officers to let me introduce my son to them. I was so excited for him to get to meet an actual police officer in person. He had such a fascination with police cars, fire trucks and ambulances. Such a typical little boy. My mother-in-law was in the nursery with him, trying to get him to go back to sleep. He had been sleeping, but woke up to all the commotion I was causing in my fight to not go to the hospital. My baby, at only 18 months old, was so sheltered from what was happening to his mommy. My other baby, the one that was just a tiny little miracle in my belly which we had found out about only the week before, would never know that her mommy needed to get well before she would ever be able to take care of two little babies.

I was the textbook definition of “crazy”, and needed the medical attention I could only receive in the hospital to be able to come home and focus on my health so that I could be the best mommy to my little boy. I like to think that I retain some of the clear memories that I have from my hospitalizations so that I remember how important it is to stay on my medication and see my doctor and therapist regularly.

These days, I like to sing those songs when they come on over the radio.  They remind me that bipolar disorder is just a part of who I am, and it doesn’t define me as a person. I think I experienced those four hospitalizations for a reason, and I am a stronger person because of them.


8 Responses to “I remember when I lost my mind for a reason”

  1. Christina June 13, 2012 at 2:06 am #

    I totally understand what you mean. I like to sing “I Can See Clearly Now” that I am feeling better. I remember my hospitalizations, too. What is weird, and I was thinking about it today, is that in a way, I felt at home in the hosptial. I felt like I was around people who understood what it was like to be sick and we were all on the same team. At the same time, I felt so alone because no one in my psyc ward – none of the times – were suffering from postpartum depression or psychosis. The psychosis can be such a lonely illness. So glad I found you!

    • BipolarMomLife June 13, 2012 at 8:39 am #

      I completely agree with you about sortof feeling at home at the hospital. The people there {in some way} knew what you were going through. When I was in the hospital this last time {at 5 weeks pregnant with our daughter}, there was another girl there my age who said she was also pregnant. But I didn’t know whether to believe her because I wasn’t sure if she was experiencing psychosis at the time or not. Still, she and I bonded a bit, and she helped me to begin my recovery while I was there.

      I’m so glad you found me too! I’m glad we found each other.

  2. SingleMom Inspirations April 1, 2012 at 5:21 pm #

    I found your blog on bloggy moms and I can relate as I was recently diagnosed with bipolar and trying to find my way through this. Looking forward to reading more as I think I can find some inspiration from your site. Following you on twitter and not sure if you have a G+ page as I didn’t see the icon to follow you on that as well.

    Have a blessed day


    • BipolarMomLife April 1, 2012 at 8:19 pm #

      Hi Jenelle! Thank you so much for finding me and commenting. I know how hard it can be when you are first diagnosed – I was in your shoes 6 years ago. With each day I have grown stronger. I find a ton of support in the blogging community. There are so many people sharing their stories. It’s therapeutic too. Keep in touch!

  3. sheriw1223 March 26, 2012 at 9:32 am #

    I love that you don’t allow bipolar disorder to define you. I used to do that, but when I stopped saying “I am bipolar” and started saying “I have bipolar disorder,” I really noticed the difference in how I perceive myself. My last significant hospitalization was when I learned that I have to take care of myself first before I could be a good parent and take care of my children.

    You are strong, an excellent example to those around you.

    • bipolarandpregnant March 26, 2012 at 11:29 am #

      Thank you Sheri. I completely agree – we need to put our own health first so that we can be the best parents for our kids. That is for sure.

  4. Kimberly M (@momgosomething) March 25, 2012 at 10:13 pm #

    I remember when I hit rock bottom. I was in a depressive phase. I took out all the pills in my medicine cabinet and started to take them…while my son and husband were in the next room.
    I got scared so I reached out.
    The friend called the cops.
    3 or 4 cars showed up and an ambulance.
    They charged my house and I locked myself in the bedroom. The whole time I wondered how scared my son must’ve been…but he slept through the entire thing.
    There are certain songs that hit me…after that happened a dear twitter friend told me to play this song “Dog Days Are Over” by Florence + The Machine. If you haven’t heard it, go and youtube it. So powerful
    I listen to it every morning .

    • bipolarandpregnant March 26, 2012 at 8:06 am #

      Oh Kim, I cannot imagine. That must have been so scary. I am so glad you reached out for help.

      Great song – I just listened to it. You are right – very powerful and so meaningful. I’m adding it to my playlist – thank you for recommending it.

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