My insecurities & a birthday wish for my daughter

11 Dec

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I’m struggling lately folks. And since it’s on my mind, I feel the need to write about it here. My place to type things out, to figure things out, to vent things out. I hope you don’t mind that it won’t be all neat and pretty. Just probably my rambling and not making much sense, but I have a feeling I’ll feel a whole lot better once I get it all off my chest. A blogger I follow calls it the root of blogging: uninterrupted narcissistic rambling.

So here goes. Bear with me.

My daughter turned two yesterday. Two whole years old. My precious baby girl who just recently spent eight days in the hospital fighting pneumonia and Kawasaki disease, celebrated her second birthday with a play-date party at our house where six little friends – all boys! – and her brother, spoiled her and showered affection all over her cute little blond pigtail head. (Literally. One of the little guys just couldn’t get enough of her – by the end of the morning she was practically in tears when he came near her to give kisses – it was hilarious and I have the pictures for when they’re older.)

I had gingerbread sleighs for the kids to decorate with icing and candy, and wooden snowmen ornaments that they colored with crayons and markers. For lunch I made them peanut butter and fluff sandwiches, cut in a triangle to make a reindeer face (my friend’s idea – I’m not that creative), complete with pretzel antlers and maraschino cherries for noses. I had hastily cut up fresh veggies that morning, which I served with Ranch dip, and I had leftover fruit salad from a brunch we had been to the day before.

Leftovers. This is where it started.

I had intended to order a pizza for us moms – the four of us could have easily polished off a medium pizza. But with all the craziness of 8 kids running around, I just didn’t have the energy to deal with it. And since my husband the amateur chef had baked up to gourmet-like pizzas from scratch the night before when his parents came over to celebrate baby girl’s birthday, I offered that as an alternative, not even thinking how terrible it made me look as a hostess. The salad my mother-in-law had brought over to go with the pizza had gone untouched, and so I had that to go with the pizza I served heated up from the toaster oven.

We supervised the kids eating first, then we adults took our turn. After everyone had lunch, we sang Happy Birthday to the birthday princess, and the kids ate strawberry cake that I had actually thrown in the oven an hour before when I realized I had almost forgotten to bake her cake. For us moms, there were the cupcakes my in-laws had brought over the evening before – a dozen in all – so we had six remaining and I had the moms pick one of those as dessert.

The girls all brought gifts for the birthday girl, even though I had said “please no gifts” on our casual email invitation. They are my two old roommates from college and my best friend from college who is like a sister to me. I love how our boys are such good friends and my daughter loves running around with them too. Watching our kids play brings us all such joy, I know this because we always talk about it.

I am sure that all the kids had a fantastic time and I’m sure the moms probably did too. I had a fun too. But after everyone left, and I had dropped my son off at preschool, tucked my daughter in for her nap and cleaned up after the little party, I kept thinking about my crummy hostessing skills and how I wished I had put more effort into the Mommy side of the play-date menu.

I wish I would have done a better job of de-cluttering and cleaning up in general before our guests arrived. I wish I would have made some sort of special sandwich or salad for my friends who drove a half hour or more to get to our house for the party. I wish I would have made little goodie bags for the kids. I wish I wouldn’t have forgotten to offer the girls drinks during lunch.

I wish, I wish, I wish. I find myself saying those words a lot lately.

I could barely sleep last night. I know it probably sounds so ridiculous. After tossing and turning for nearly two hours I finally caved in to my sleep meds and took an Ambien so that I could get some shut-eye.

I woke up today still upset about it. Embarrassed, even. I called my mom on the drive home from dropping the kids off at daycare. I was quickly in tears and she was very sympathetic. Apparently, she said, this is something she and I both suffer from. We say or do something, or forget to do something all together that we regret very soon after, and then subsequently beat ourselves up about it for several days.

“It’s a hormone thing honey,” my mom explained.

Definitely a trait I wish I would not have inherited.

It’s not just this incident though. Lately I’ve been feeling so torn. Reminded me of this post I wrote back in September about balance. I’ve been wondering how other moms do it all. How do they do ALL THE THINGS? And they do them SO DAMN GOOD TOO.

I just feel so inadequate sometimes.

I should be writing a post about how unreal it feels to have such a smart, beautiful, funny, independent, social, happy little girl who adores her big brother and has a passion for learning and all things art. How her perfect blond curls make me smile at the sight, especially when they’re tied into those cute pigtails that fit her personality so well. She has a fierce determination to do things her way most all of the time, and does the back arching thing if you’re holding her and she wants to get her way so much so that you have to put her down for fear of dropping her on her head. Her eyes are an perfect blend of blue and the lightest green. They sparkle with mischief pretty much every hour of the day. She loves bedtime the most and will never protest when we say it’s time to go upstairs for bath. Strangers find it incredibly adorable that she still signs – Thank You most often, but also Milk and Please a lot – even though she is talking more and more these days. The pacifier is still one of her best buds and the dentist said it is perfectly acceptable for her to continue using it until her remaining four molars come through, since it is such a comfort to her. You hardly ever see her without her pink giraffe lovie blankie held tightly in her fist, corner knots usually being poked into her baby ears as her own soothing mechanism.

I love that I keep this bipolar blog, and also my private family one with photos and videos, as an everlasting journal of my life, my family, and my journey living with mental illness. Because I hope one day my kids will grow up and learn that their mom is trying the best she can. And even though she may compare herself to others, and she may wish she could be the perfect mom who has it all together all the time, all she’ll ever be is theirs.

This will never change. Just the same as how my love for them will always be as strong as our hearts beating life through our bodies.

Except unlike hearts which will eventually stop one day, my love for them will go on forever.

Happy 2nd Birthday, Baby Girl. Mommy loves you with all her heart.

And more.

xoxo

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5 Responses to “My insecurities & a birthday wish for my daughter”

  1. Shelly December 12, 2012 at 8:57 am #

    oh, I forgot to tell you when you go to the website, the meditations are on the right side. click on guided self-meditations. The whole site is full of wonderful info.

  2. Shelly December 12, 2012 at 8:53 am #

    my best advice…don’t compare! just BE YOU! You are enough. You are doing your best (remember that ‘best’ changes day to day especially for those of us with mood issues and it’s OK!). The more one beats oneself up, the more one comes to expect the beating. You don’t deserve ANY beatings!! especially not the self-inflicted ones. During this crazy time with Christmas and New Year celebrations impending, relax and let go of expectations. BE WITH your little ones. That is what creates balance. BEING mindful of BEING and letting expectations go.

    Who the hell cares if you forgot to offer drinks to your BEST friends. I’m sure they know where the fridge, glasses, and beverages are. And gift bags for the other guests? It was YOUR daughter’s birthday…I think that practice is just as silly as can be. The kids don’t care and they shouldn’t grow up expecting them!

    You do have so much to be thankful for and you obviously know that. I so love the description of your baby girl. Remember, YOU CREATED HER! Your papa in heaven feels exactly the same way about you. BE THANKFUL for and especially KIND to YOU!

    Here’s a wonderful source of meditations to practice while your darling is napping. It helps occupy the mind so it can’t just run away into negativity.

    http://www.self-compassion.org

    Meditation practice is what has helped me the most this year. I’m more mood stable than I have been in the previous 30 years. Thanks for your venting and sharing. It’s one of the reasons I love to blog as well. So many wonderful people reading that can relate.

    Have a wonderful celebration with your precious ones this holiday season.

    • BipolarMomLife December 12, 2012 at 9:24 am #

      Shelly, thank you so much for your advice. I used to do meditation when I was first diagnosed, but of course that was before kids came into the picture and I had peace and quiet whenever I wanted it (oh, the luxury!). Thank you for the website, I will definitely try those meditations out. I really appreciate the time you took to write me after you read my post. I hope you have a wonderful holiday season too!

  3. Judy fryer December 12, 2012 at 5:17 am #

    Oh my dear Bipolarmom, what a gem you are. I hear your concerns and I understand them. Your honesty is a give away….if you couldn’t be honest, then you would have something to worry about! Being honest tells me that you are a very real person, not someone pretending to be someone they are not. I too have these insecurities….well I used to have them…I’m too old to worry any more!! They do pop into my head every now and again but I have learned not to listen to such negative internal dialogue and take it to heart. I may listen for one time, see if i can learn anything but then I refuse to let it loop and loop in my mind because then I become anxious. Do you know….it takes some special person to put together a party in such a way as you did….just making it happen with what you had right there….that’s really how it should be! Excellent job….we build things up so much but it is the little things that count….and the BIGGEST and most special of those is LOVE that goes on FOREVER.

    • BipolarMomLife December 12, 2012 at 9:14 am #

      Thank you so, so much Judy! Your words mean so much to me. Now that I’ve written about it, I feel so much better. And was able to put it aside and sleep well last night. Hugs! xoxo

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