Tag Archives: blogging

Five Minute Friday {14}: Lonely

9 Aug

Five-Minute-Friday-14-Lonely

I was lonely back then, back seven and a half years ago when I had just been told I was facing mental illness. Two stints in a psych ward and it was apparent to the doctors but I was still in denial. I was so lonely.

I longed for someone to talk to who knew what I was feeling. Someone other than a psychiatrist or a therapist or a group leader in an outpatient program. They only studied these symptoms in a textbook. How could they really know what I was going through? They didn’t, in my mind.

Writing would become my call for help. My attempt to erase the loneliness by telling my story to see if there were others out there feeling my same feelings.

There were. There are. And it’s a relief to no longer feel lonely in this life with mental illness.

Today, nearly two years to the day from when I started this blog, I feel so far from lonely. Instead, I feel the compassionate hugs this community of readers, fellow bloggers, friends and family have wrapped around me.

Five Minute Friday

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The Best Summer Camp Counselor. Ever.

15 Jul

TheBestCampCounselorEverThe best summer camp counselor. Ever.

“Tomorrow I’m sending my kids to a three-night, four-day all-inclusive summer camp for FREE. It’s called “Sleep-away camp at Grandma and Grandpa’s house” and they are super excited. (The kids, that is. My parents are excited too, but are also just a teeny bit nervous that they’ll survive this little experiment.) I, however, have faith that everyone will have an exceptional time.

Including my husband and I who will be home enjoying the peace and quiet.

Sometimes parents just need to take a break from their offspring.”   ….please click over to WhatToExpect.com’s Word of Mom blog to read the rest of my article which I wrote last week. It was just posted today.

Thanks so much for reading my work!

After: Five Minute Friday {3}

5 Apr

5MinFriAfterBML

I frequently think of my life as either before or after. As in, before I got sick and after I was diagnosed. When I look at picture from my life taken around that time, I can always tell if the particular photo’s event happened before or after by looking at how my eyes smile. I can’t say that I like before or after better or worse than the other, because they are both just different times in my life. Struggles were different after. The importance of sleep was different after. Friendships stayed the same, for the most part, but some became even stronger after because they knew and still stood by me.

I am at the point right now where I can finally say that I like the person I’ve become after. 

Five Minute Friday

Today my 3rd post for WhatToExpect.com’s Word of Mom Blog went up!         Pop on over and check out why I sometimes dread sleeping.

Running with the Wind

2 Apr

RunningWithTheWind_BML

Yesterday I reluctantly pulled on my running shoes, tied them up, and left my husband with the kids for a thirty minute jog. My mind was telling me to just skip it, given that the temperature had plummeted from seventy degrees earlier in the day to forty-five at 7pm when I finally made it out the front door. But it felt good to be moving after all the sugar and heavy food from Easter Sunday.

My phone provided music while I trotted along, my legs still sore from my first jog of the spring two days before. Now that the weather is changing I just want to be outside again. Too much time passed without us being able to go out due to snow, rain, or plain frigid temperatures. The air smells different when spring emerges. Trees and flowers perfume the breeze, along with the fresh mulch that neighbors spread to make everything look fresh. My favorite is the scent of hyacinth at this time of year. I slowed my pace when I ran past a house seemingly anchored in them, taking in the heady fragrance.

The wind was fierce, slapping my face with its icy coldness. But the extra oxygen I sucked in from the air flowing at me propelled me forward and it was as if I ran faster. My bad knee held out thanks to the patella strap I had pulled tight around my knee cap. The rest of my body got a thrill from being on my old route. I didn’t do the whole loop, but it was enough to remind me of last year’s jogging nights. Made me long for the strength I felt back then when I was running almost every day. I’ll get there. One step at a time.

Yesterday my second post for WhatToExpect.com’s Word of Mom Blog went live. Please head over and check it out if you have time! :)

Freewrite: Immersed in nature

28 Mar

{3/15/13, 5:30pm, PST; Top of the hill behind the Chapel Theater at the Wild Mountain Memoir Writer Retreat, Leavenworth, WA}

15-minute Freewrite

I have never in my life been surrounded by such sheer beauty. I’m sitting on a huge rock, facing gorgeous mountains covered in snow, and yet, it’s the perfect temperature. Not hot, not cold, just somewhere in between.

The rush of the water shooshing downstream is so soothing. It’s calming my nerves a bit. This place is so peaceful and serene.

Earlier today it was raining. Not hard, not even enough to get me wet, really. Just a gentle mist coming down. The leaves smell damp and musty, but I like it. The cool air is so refreshing.

I almost feel like I could expect to see a bear up on the mountainside in front of me. I’m looking, but haven’t seen one yet. I got a close-up of that bright green moss that grows on all the trees here. It’s almost fluorescent, it looks fake.

I feel like I could sit up here all day, breathing in the mountain air to become one with the perfect natural space laid out before me. But it’s almost time for dinner. And time for the retreat to finally start. I better run back to my room to see if I can meet my roommate. It’s 5:45pm already and dinner starts at 6.

FreewriteImmersedInNature_BML

{On Saturday afternoon at the retreat, my roommate Natalie and I went back up to that spot and she took this picture of me. I truly feel it captures every ounce of excitement and the sheer joy within me from the changes I had begun to experience at Wild Mountain.}

Happy Birthday, G! {Wordless/Wordful Wednesday}

20 Mar

NewSwimSchool3

 

Back when “Don’t Carpe Diem” went viral via Glennon Doyle Melton’s blog Momastery and the Huffington Post, I spent the next week staying up late every night, reading the archives of her blog and I’m so glad I did.

She is one hell of a writer who I had the pleasure of meeting randomly last year at our local swim school. After helping my son pull on his goggles and ushering him off to his swim coach, I went to sit down in the parent’s viewing room with my 2-yr old daughter and looked to my left as a pretty mom was about to sit down in the empty seat next to us.

In a surprised (and almost giddy) voice I said, “Are you Glennon?” knowing the answer before she even had a chance to reply.

“Why yes, yes I am!” she replied with a warm smile.

“I’ve read your blog!” I said cautiously, not sure whether or not I should admit to how much of a huge fan I was of her writing. “I love it.” Realizing later I could have said, “I’ve read your life,” that is how incredibly honest she is.

We talked for the next twenty-five minutes while our kids swam (hers crying through the lesson mostly.) And she hugged me when we said goodbye.

I called one of my best friends, Stephanie, on the way home because I couldn’t contain my shock and excitement.

 

Happy 37th Birthday, G. You are inspiring, uplifting, brave, brutally honest, and hands-down, one of my favorite writers. Carry On, Warrior!

 

+ The Paper MamaLive and Love Out Loud & Baby Baby Lemon

What I learned from my Listen To Your Mother audition

23 Feb

You will try your best not to think about it so much, but in reality it’s the only thing running through your mind since you sent in your email requesting an audition spot.

It will take weeks to choose a piece to read, then when you read it for your best friend, she chooses a different one for you.

When the Producer and Director say to bring 3 copies of your piece, the third one is for you. Bringing your own copy in large print made you look like an old grandmother who needs bifocals to read 12 pt font.

You’ll practice your piece standing up, but when you get there the Producer and Director will be sitting on a couch since the audition is in a hotel room. There will be a chair waiting for you to sit and read. This will throw you off a little.

You’ll decide five minutes after meeting them, that there is no doubt in your mind that you want to be a part of their show. It is more apparent to you now than ever.

You think you won’t cry when you read. But you do. Just a little.

You’ll feel confident going in but more unsure of yourself than ever as you walk out the door and get into your car to drive home. You’ll wonder if they really liked you and your writing. Or were they just being polite?

The week after the audition will feel like the slowest week of your life. Especially since there is no school on Monday due to President’s Day.

You will try your best to focus on the normal day-to-day tasks and activities of life after the audition, but really all you can think about is whether or not you made the cast.

Five days after the audition, when the email finally arrives in your inbox, you’ll read it quickly. Because when it comes time to take the band-aid off, the faster you do it the less it will hurt.

You think you won’t cry when you read the rejection email. But you do.

You’ll wonder if you could have done something differently. Would it have changed their minds?

You’ll long to hear “I’m so sorry, honey. I know how hard you worked on your piece and how badly you wanted this. It’s okay.” while he wraps his arms around you.

But instead, he’ll say “It’s not that big of a deal. It’s just one audition. There will be other opportunities, honey.” which will sting. And more tears will come.

You’ll give the kids a bath and tuck them both in, reading more books than you usually do, because it’s a distraction from the hurt.

You’ll pull out your journal and you’ll write until you feel better. Or at least until you stop crying.

You’ll want to self-medicate with a big, expensive bar of dark chocolate and a glass or two of really good red wine but instead at that moment you’ll realize you’re the textbook definition of an emotional eater and so instead you’ll choose to take a bubble bath.

In the end, you’ll realize that this just may not be your time to “no longer be anonymous” and so you’ll decide to keep your identity under wraps a little while longer.

You’ll be flattered that both the Producer and Director email you to ask you to audition next year. And to not be a stranger.

And you’ll think: maybe 2014 will be your year to share your story on stage.

You really hope so.

Congratulations to the 2013 Cast of Listen To Your Mother DC! I’m looking forward to another incredible show on April 28th. Last year I was inspired, this year I auditioned, and maybe next year will be my year.

LTYMAbout the show:

The mission of each LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER production is to take the audience on a well-crafted journey that celebrates and validates mothering through giving voice to motherhood–in all of its complexity, diversity, and humor.
LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER aims to support motherhood creatively through artistic expression, and also financially–through contributions to non-profit organizations supporting families in need.

As a mother of two

24 Oct

As a mother of two…

  • our day starts at 7am sharp (or 5am if Mister Man decides he just can’t wait until the sun is completely up to go downstairs and play – I pull him into bed with us until the sun is actually up or else I can’t function).
  • breakfast is usually filled with lots of urgent requests for milk, fruit, napkins, mommymommymommy!!! (Is it 8pm yet?).
  • then we’re either home for the morning while I try to put a few hours in of work while they watch educational children’s shows (Pinky Dinky Doo, anyone?) or I drop them off at the Mom’s Morning Out program up the street where they play for 3 hours.
  • lunchtime is just as urgent as breakfast. Baby Girl has been demoted to sippy cups for her recent cup dumping incidents.
  • three days a week the boy goes to afternoon preschool for 3 hours, so that’s another 10-minute drive across town with both kids to drop him off, while on the way home I have all the windows down and the radio blasting to keep the princess from falling asleep before we get home. otherwise, her nap will be much shorter than I need it to be.
  • she’s in her crib by 1pm every day for her nap, which rarely goes past 2:30. if the little guy is home with me, he’ll always go in his room for quiet time but if he’s not asleep after 30 minutes, I let him come downstairs and play quietly. so I don’t have to listen to him romp around in his room while I’m trying to work blog.
  • by 4pm when we’re home from preschool pick-up (thank God for car lines, sooo much easier), we’re ready for Daddy to be home. Unfortunately for us, we have another two hours to kill. So we have snacks, got to the playground, or head to the library. Or, if on the off-chance I’m attempting to cook that night, the kids watch another show or play on the ipad (Toca Tea Party is AWESOME, btw) while I try to put together a meal that the whole family will actually eat.
  • The hubby gets home around 6pm each night, sometimes earlier, but never later. I’m a very lucky girl in that regard, I do know this and am incredibly thankful for his family-friendly work schedule. The kids play with him for an hour, we all eat, and then do bathtime.
  • After bath, we each take a kid. For a few months, our daughter only would let me put her to bed, now she’s much better about giving Daddy a chance too.
  • By the time 8pm rolls around, both kids are in bed and the hubby and I have our time together.
  • We need to get back into working out together at night, but travel schedules lately have gotten in the way and we’re too exhausted to think of putting on a 90-min P90x DVD. Maybe we’ll do it again in January, but for now we’re just relaxing and trying to get to bed earlier (I joined the “10pm & earlier bedtime club” this week).

I love our kids and the routine we have. This town we live in is so family-oriented and I am so grateful to live 3 minutes away from my best friend. Sometimes, like today for example, I can take a moment and sit back and take it all in and in my heart I feel one thing: content.

Except for one little notion that lingers in my mind and tugs at my uterus.

I think I want one more baby. I just don’t know when.

What I do know is that right now I am content with the two beautiful babies I do have in my arms. I am content with getting a solid 7-8, or sometimes even 9 on the weekend, hours of sleep each and every day. Sometimes I can even nap on the weekends if I want. I am content in being able to work part-time from home and get paid a decent salary, while at the same time, enjoying being able to be with my kids during the day.

I don’t think I’m ready for a newborn again.

Not anytime soon.

 

So we’ll see. The gap between the Little Man and Baby Girl is 2 & 1/4 years and at the rate we’re going, it would likely be a 3 year gap between the Little Miss and a new baby if we started trying soon. That would be nice, but the more I think about it, the more I think that I’d be okay with a bigger gap.

Guess we’ll just have to wait and see.

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